Four Score, and 11 months ago....

HELLLLOOOOO.

HEELLLLLOOOO.

I AM MISTER ED.



Four Score and eleven months ago, our blogfather brought forth to this internet, a new creation, conceived in mary jane, in dedication to the winterization that all boats are created equal.


yes, that's right l's & g's.....I have hacked into my old boatchecker account and am going to take this blog for a cruise around the high seas.

I have no idea how I got into this blog. It's a Christmas miracle really. Speaking of Christmas miracles, I remember when The Blogfather, The Human Head and I ate some mushrooms at kyles loft. after providing commentary for a zombie movie, i proved everyone wrong about something on Dick Tracy (the movie). Don't ask what it was because i have no earthly fucking idea. Anyway, after the movie, the blogfather killed christmas. in the nativity scene, he knocked an angel off the top of the nativity scene and killed all the sheep and shepards, and sent baby jesus flying from his crib. I just reread that last sentence, and the first thing that popped into my head was that movie "Throw Momma from the Train." Weirdly enough, that is the second time i've been reminded of that movie today.

Speaking of locomotives and mothers, my upstairs neighbors sound like a herd of elephants. i pretty much accidentally told them that one day. my roommate conveniently overlooked to tell me that the guys who worked in the dj store below us also live above us. so i was in the store a couple days after i moved in talking to them about random shit, and they were like, "oh do you live above us?" and i said ya, and they apologized for the noise. I said, "oh no problem at all. You guys are absolutely nothing compared to our upstairs neighbors....they are ridiculous." then they informed me that they were my upstairs neighbors. everyone laughed uncomfortably. foot in mouth.

I hate when i say things like foot in the mouth, because it prompts me to do two things:

A) wonder what the fucking origin of the saying is and how long its been around

B) picture the fucking saying being acted out. so i think about someones foot actually being stuck into their own mouth.

So what's the big deal? I'm not sure...it's not like its really that inconvenient to stop and think about it for a second.


I just realized one of the greatest inventions of the last five minutes. GUSHERS. My roommate went to visit her friend in Wisconsin who works for General Mills, and now we have a shit ton of random food. GUSHERS included. So i have to get some right now. brb.

ok, so i went to the cabinet of joy and i returned with the following things: Gushers, Chex Mix (two flavors - strawberry cheesecake or some shit and chocolate turtle), four candy corn, a reeses peices peanut butter cup and a glass of pink fuckin lemonade. hell to the yessir. i've died and gone to stoner heaven. except for the fact that these pretzels are making me thirsty and pink lemonade will fuck a nigga up if she ain't prepared for it.


you have reached the end of this blog, but i highly encourage you to check out the postings from last november. a different time of life, that was. kinda feels like four score and seven years ago.

Hold the Onions

I'm not too picky of an eater, although there are a few common tastes and textures that I don't get down with. I say no to most sweets, licorice, gum drops, and only select types of chocolate will be lucky enough to get kissed by my sexy smackers.

I am only reserved to a few types of vegetables. For the most part I will eat/drink anything you tell me won't kill me (and some things that will).
I'll have nothing to do with mushrooms no matter how you heat em. Onions can be tolerated if they are in soup or used for flavoring somehow. But mushrooms, fuck that!

Well, this morning when I woke up and went to have my usual 8am coffee and eggs (scrambled with cheese please) with my old Vietnam Veteran jungle buddy Joe Gummo at our local VFW Denny's, I began to remember my dreams from the night of sleep prior to this coffee talk.

I remembered dreaming about going to a sound studio in a tall building and watching a local band practice. The band was not so good. First of all their only instrument was a guitar which they passed in a circle and they were so lazy that they didn't even stand while performing.

While there I rearranged someones doll house while sitting outside next to a tree. This doll house seemed to be an antique toy of some kind. It was all wooden and there were farm animals included in the set. I don't think most kids give a darn about wooden toys or stupid dummy head farm animals these days.

At the end of the dream or what I remember as being the end I had asked the back up guitarist if there was anything to eat because my belly was a rumblin' and all he had to offer was some chocolate covered onions. I had never tried this style of onions before but since I can tolerate the funky little tear jerkers in some circumstances I figured that I would at least give these a try.

Not bad. I'm just happy that my only option wasn't stupid fucking mushrooms!

Blogged with Flock

Just checking..................

to see if this is really as convenient as it seems.

Blogged with Flock

Flockin' A!

I just started to use the newest and most bestist web browser in the galaxy thanks to my tech support and friend the Cyber Soldier a.k.a. The Human Head. That is pretty much all I have to say right now so soak it up blogmeisters.

Blogged with Flock

CHICKEN POT PIE

it's been a while since my last blog. i took a hiatus because i was afraid i was becoming a pothead.

i thought it might be safe to smoke again, as i was out of the pothead zone, but now i'm right back where i started.

i hid from a bum tonight. i was on my way home tonight around 4:00am after smoking after work, and as i was walking in my building, i saw a bum coming in my direction. all i could think about was a story The Human Head told me at lunch today. apparently, when him and his friends ate mushrooms a couple years ago, they left a loft building downtown to go out. well, while walking to the bar, they saw a bunch of bums coming at them. convinced the bums were after them, they started calling them 'bum missals.' so i saw this bum missal coming at me, so i jumped behind a concrete wall. in plain view of the bum missal. i realized that should the bum missal have chosen to activate, i would have been screwed. because i was in no shape to combat bum missals, much less figure out a better plan than jumping behind a wall while he was looking at me.

speaking of missals, apparently chicken pot pie would make a really good weapon. whether it is frozen or hot, you could put it in a cannon and do some pretty major damage. especially if its hot. because it has been proven (by unanimous decision of the founders of this blog) that chicken pot pie is the hottest food ever. no matter what, it never, ever cools down. and this raises a pretty important question. if the pot pie is left in tact as a pie forever, and none of the heat escapes, will it remain hot forever?

on the subject of chicken, the other night i got on my elevator at 2am, and there were six fried chicken legs. the next morning i got on the elevator again, and there was one chicken leg and three chicken bones.

FACTORY SET.

It was ice ice baby outside tonight so the ale house that I work at was slow, and aside from serving the 3 groups of total freaks who were in there, we didn't really have much to do.

GROUP 1
==========
Group 1 consisted of 3 horny young dorks and 1 girl who looked like a real life bratz doll. The guys' goal was to get the brat drunk and have sex with her. Before they left, the girl left us a present in the men's bathroom sink in the form of vomit. She is currently being raped.


GROUP 2
==========
Group 2 was only 2 people, so not really a group. They weren't too bad. They actually did nothing wrong and the only reason they were weird was because the girl works at After diner. That place is rank.


GROUP 3
==========
The third and final group was on lots of cocaine.


Music played through headphones is fucking awesome. I am listening to Bat For Lashes and it feels like it is listening to me. What does that even mean.




I'm probably going to change my myspace song after I get done blogging. Then I am going to scrobble a little bit before I go to sleep. Next I will either play boggle or scrabble while listening to the buggles eating bugles. I will most likely put the bugles on the tips of my fingers.

I will leave you with this:

KAYAK

Ok, so i am high, sitting with the Blogfather and his girlfriend at my friend Joes house while he is still at work. i am currently teaching the BF how to illegally download entire albums more quickly and efficiently. Because everyone knows that efficiency is the most important part of ripping people off.

In the past five minutes, the following has occurred.

Joe's semi-crazy, but 100% awesome co-worker Verna just came in with him. She has to be over 45 yrs old, yet she immediately pulled out a joint and started talking about how joe asked her in front of customers tonight how she grooms herself down there. BLogfathers girlfriend compared Verna to a mother-figure to joe. joe said 'True.....but i dont think i've ever asked my mom if she shaves her carpet with a rock."

Joe just yelled out "My status is the baddest!" Twice.

Blogfather made a decision to go find the nearest gas station that serves tallboys and said the ironic thing about our current situation is that he went to Joes to 'be alone' and he is now surrounded by a bunch of idiots. (idiots was my word, not his)

Blogfather is freaking out because we are telling him he needs a tetnis shot after cutting himself on a dumpster and stepping on a nail. then Verna came in and told him he felt like he had a fever. joe just told him he looked jaundice...which is funny in its own right.

The Bearnstein Bears are on tv right on mute. all i can hear is some remix of the klaxons, which joe keeps yelling "it's soulwax, motherfucker." cool, joe.

Joe just confused Bob the Builder with Thomas the Train. who the fuck is bob the builder?

I am now teaching Joe how to illegally download music more efficiently as well and i'm pretty sure i just blew his mind. he is now yelling and cursing at his computer.

Joe just said "Ill fight a motherfucker over it". I guess that's an improvement over last week's "I'll go Nautical on your ass".

joe's kayak still looks extremely out of place in his apartment. i am now having an internal debate on whether or not a kayak is a boat. i also just realized that kayak is a palindrome. i am also wondering why they didn't make the word 'palindrome' a palindrome.

I want to go home, but the walk accross the parking lot from Joes place to mine seems virtually impossible.